I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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