So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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