I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
