The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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