I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
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I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
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Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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