that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
