I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize