Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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