I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
