I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
