i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
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Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
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im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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