I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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