There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
