so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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