$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I want her autograph on my taint
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
