I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Slut skills are useful in every country.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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