I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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