life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
