It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
