I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
