and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
