oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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