I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
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