I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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