I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
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I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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