Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
