The maid of honor just puked.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
