Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
