It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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