i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
