I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
