A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dignity is for republicans.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
