i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
