There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
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I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
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We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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