Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
