i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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