mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
