I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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