Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
