some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
