I want to have your abortion
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
