just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize