you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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