you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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