Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just tell him i said nine months
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm like, not good at living.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
