i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
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You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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