Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
