She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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