I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
