An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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