He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Sober January is a disaster.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
