Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
