Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
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Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
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When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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