i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
