So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
