the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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